Defying Doubt en route to Como

“Worry, doubt, fear, and despair are the enemies which slowly bring us down to the ground and turn us to dust before we die.” Anonymous

The platform was deserted but for two young men, half sitting, half lying on a graffitied bench a little distance from me. They spoke no English. I asked and they shrugged instead. Not the Parisian styled Milano Centrale, but shifty Sarrono, a station I had never heard of. The only information I got was ‘Yellow, yellow box’ when asked at the counter how to validate my ticket. The train for Como Lago may arrive at Platform 3, or Platform 2. She shrugged. A mystery to all. I sat on another graffitied bench, clutching my belongings.

A little afraid, berating myself for thinking I still had it in me to travel alone, and filled with doubt. My life in a cabin bag. Check the glasses, the wallet, the passport, the phone and the computer. Check the glasses ….

The usual train I take to Varenna was down. I must via Saronno and Lake Como, to take the ferry onwards. Did I mention it was raining? One has to mention the rain, just to set the right tone about being on a platform in a dated station, unsure of the next train arrival, just to put it into perspective.

Oh God, I can’t do this anymore, I cursed myself. It’s been too long, my strength is gone. Gatwick airport at sparrows had my confidence turn to gnarling at too loud, too pushy, too many uncontrolled children. What’s with the beers for breakfast and did they really pay for Speedy Boarding to get that wheelie bag allowed? My desired trip to Lake Como with EasyJet (and speedy boarding charges) means I get a larger Cabin bag - a pair of nickers and washing tights in the basin every evening. Hardly romantic apparel suitable for visit to the Lake.

The thoughts thought at Saronno station, in the middle of my nowhere, not pockets of happiness, more like pockets of doom laced with self pity and commitment to dust before I die in a safe space. I won’t have to challenge myself I thought, push the credit limit, sit alone at a table in a restaurant and fight with the hoards … Just, dear God, just let me get to Varenna.

And this is Italy. My beloved Italy.

And breathe …

Lake Como

I take it all back. Dusk on arrival, the clouds and drizzle still present but it mattered not - the vastness of the gun metal lake, surrounded by mountains and wisps of white clouds dissolved all doubts and a furrowed brow. Welcomed as an old friend, a beautiful room on the corner with views all around, I felt as if I had arrived at a chapter in a Victorian novel. Warm and welcoming, down to the eiderdown on my bed.

View from my window over the lake.

A glass of wine, a dinner of beef stew ravioli with pears and bacon and an early night. Slept like a child but before I nodded off, made sure the shutters were open to see the twinkling lights of the villages across the water.

My charming hotel

Despite the wearying journey, the painful lash of panic at given moments, the wondering of it all, I shall rather have dust beneath my shoes, than in my soul.